


Once or Twice (Oikawa x reader oneshot)

by Itrytoohard24



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Oikawa Tooru Likes Aliens, Oikawa Tooru is a Mess, Oikawa Tooru is perfect don't come for me, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please Don't Kill Me, Reader loves Oikawa a lot, Reader-Insert, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, author just loves oikawa, no pronouns for the reader, reader is bad with feelings, who knows what I was trying to do here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28809474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itrytoohard24/pseuds/Itrytoohard24
Summary: In which you try writing a letter to Oikawa to make him understand how you feel about him.It gets a bit messy, due to your complex, bottled up emotions.No pronouns are used in this piece of the reader, so it can be for anybody :)
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru & Reader, Oikawa Tooru/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Once or Twice (Oikawa x reader oneshot)

The white noise of talking from your teacher seems to blur into a continuous static sound, as you sit motionless in the back of your classroom. Your mind is a clusterfuck of thoughts, swirling around your head in a similar fashion to a tornado, as you silently grip the pencil in your hand, contemplating what to write down on the sheet of paper in front of you. There it is; a simple page, with not a single blemish of ink on it so far, without a wrinkle in sight. You took it from your father's printer this morning, and put it in a plastic folder, so it wouldn't get wrinkled. Why are you fussing so much over this? It's a piece of goddamn paper, not the declaration of fucking independence. Who cares how it looks anyway? What matters are the contents of this so-called confession.

Yes, that's right. You're attempting to pen a letter to Oikawa Tooru, your longtime friend, explaining your feelings for him, without making a complete fool out of yourself. Truth be told, it's quite a difficult activity to do, seeing as you've been trying to keep these thoughts in for about two years now; and what isn't making it any easier is that graduation is coming up soon.

So what would be the point of this letter? To let him know some pointless facts about the way you think about him? No, this is stupid. He doesn't need to know---why should he? If he doesn't return your feelings, what is the purpose of this stupid thing that you're spending so much time worrying over? You shouldn't be doing this, it's starting to make you tired anyway. With a sigh, you drop your pencil, and prepare to put the paper away, shoving your previous musings to the back of your head.

But what if he does?

You freeze, your hand hovering over the blank sheet; god, there it is again; that little voice in the back of your head, asking you the constant 'what if?'. Perhaps you will never know until you've tried. And even if Oikawa does reject you, you could easily get over it, it shouldn't be as painstaking as others make it out to be. 

Well. A few words wouldn't hurt. Besides, you need to pour out these feelings somewhere. (And you're starting to get a pounding headache from thinking about this all too much. You should just get it over with, and then eat some lunch.)

You take out your pencil again, and take a deep breath, exhaling through your nose, before glancing down again, and hesitantly pressing the nub to the white sheet. Now, there's a small grey dot when there was previously nothing, so you suppose you will just have to keep going now.

**'Dear Tooru, ******

****'I'm not quite sure how to tell you this. I'm aware that you only see me as a friend, despite your annoyingly obvious flirting, however, I don't think that it's fair of me to leave you without telling you about what's been going on with me and my feelings for you.  
Stated quite obviously, I'm in love with you.' ********

Wait, no; no, no, no, no. What are you saying? Stop, this isn't love! It's just a crush! Yet your hand seems to have different ideas, and all you can do is watch helplessly, as your feelings splay out onto the page, tainting the once lovely, plain sheet with your disgustingly soppy words.

********'I know it's stupid, believe me, I know. But I really do. I didn't fall for you at first sight, that would be stupid, considering you put up that silly facade of flirtatiousness and charm, when the real you is a dork who loves volleyball. You can't even deny it, Tooru, it's glaringly obvious. But I prefer that dork to the front you put up around other people, notably your fans, it's that dork that I fell so hard for. ******** ** **

************'I'm not quite sure what propelled me into these feelings for you, I think they just developed over time. Considering how genuine you are to those who actually know you, I think I get the best of you; and I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to you for allowing me to see past the curtain. Do you remember the time you found me crying in the hallway, after I failed all of my midterm exams? You hugged me, and you made me feel like nothing would ever be able to hurt me again, as long as you were there. I think that's why I like you so much. You may only show your true self to some select people, but that version of you is something truly special, and I really hope that one day you'll have the courage to be yourself openly, rather than hide behind that needless persona. ******** ** ** ** **

****************'I love every single bit about you. From your stupid childish habits, to your weird love of aliens, to your petty narcissism, for me it just forms this perfect picture of who you are; you are a wonderful, gorgeous young man, who deserves so much better than what he gets. I love it when you make silly jokes to cheer me up after class, I love it when you smile at me after you serve, I love it when we go out together, with others or not, because just being in your presence makes me feel something I could never put down on paper, for simple words could never do that justice. ******** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************'I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you---' ******** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Fuck. 

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

You stop writing, and stare down at the page with wide eyes, astounded at what you've just written. A confession letter? God, this is beginning to sound more like a marriage proposal. For a moment, you pause, and take a second to regain your composure, reigning in your overwhelming passion so that you can finish off this stupid thing on a somewhat dignified note. With shaking hands, you frantically scribble out the repeated last phrases, though to your dismay, you can't get them to disappear completely. While you do this, you suddenly notice that your handwriting has gotten considerably more messy throughout the piece, becoming more rushed and stuttered as you had been taken over by your feelings.

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

"Shit," you curse to yourself quietly. You take another deep breath, your non-dominant hand clutching at the sheet for some type of relief, leading to the corner of the page to be crumpled aggressively. So much for keeping it pristine.

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

With a renowned countenance, you readjust your grip on your pen, and then gingerly place the tip on the paper again, below the half scribbled out line above, starting on a fresh line.

************************'This is getting long, so I'm going to end it here, plus I'm beginning to sound like a right simp. In conclusion, I figured that you should know about how I feel for you before graduation. I spent a lot of time wondering if I'd write this, but here I am. And if I'll ever give it to you is another matter entirely, knowing my cowardly nature. ******** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************'But if this letter somehow ends up in your hands, I hope I've explained that... I love you, Oikawa Tooru. And it's completely fine, if you don't return my feelings, because the entire point of this is that I believe that you deserve to know. I've been keeping this from you for far too long. ******** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************************'I hope you can forgive me. ******** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

************************************'(L/n) (Y/n).' ******** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

There! With a triumphant huff, you slam your pencil down, and do a victory air punch under the table. Now that's it's done, and you've got a bold burst of confidence, what's to stop you from giving it to him now? It is almost the end of school, considering you wrote this in class. As if on cue, the bell rings, causing everyone to stand up, and begin shuffling out of the room, talking amongst themselves.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

But you; oh, you're filled with a burning determination. You're going to give this letter to him, that you poured your heart into; not to mention you wrote it during your physics lesson, so you've wasted your learning time to do all of this! He'll take it whether he likes it or not! Itching to catch him before anybody else does, you pack up your stuff, fold the paper in half, and exit your class hurriedly, rushing down the hall to get to Tooru's class.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

This is it, you'll give it to him, he'll read it, and no matter the response you'll finally feel satisfied---

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

You stop dead in your tracks.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Tooru's standing outside the door of his homeroom, surrounded by fangirls, as they laugh, smile, and flirt with him; and he does the same. Even if it's not genuine, it stings like hell, and blows out your sudden self-assurance as if it were a mere candle in the dark. You know he doesn't feel anything for them, and only values their support, and has even ranted to you about how they interfere too much with his personal life, so...

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

... so why does it sting so much? Why does it make you crumple the letter in your hand? Why does it make you open your bag, which is at your hip, and stuff your painstakingly written confession in there, down to the depths, among chocolate wrappers and schoolbooks, as if it means nothing at all?

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Because you're weak.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Even the sight of Tooru being with someone else makes you feel so undeniably pathetic that you drown in your own self doubt, and shrink away like a wounded animal, although he's done no wrong.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Tooru would never hurt you, but he's doing it unknowingly with every meaningless compliment he gives to those around him, throwing around words as if they're nothing; which is in stark comparison to the letter you've penned, overflowing with love you've kept bottled up for years. Why can't he throw you a compliment, meaningless or not? Why are you so desperate? Why does he cause so much pain for you without understanding the toll it's having on you?

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Why you? And why did it have to be him?

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Your eyes sting with tears, as you watch the scene, your previous emotions burned and thrown viciously down the drain. Tooru will never be able to know, no matter how hard you try, because you're so fucking weak. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

However, he sees you, out of the corner of his eye, and to your surprise, he turns fully, and gives you a wave, a genuine smile that is reserved just for you on his lips. Then his name leaves his mouth, and your soul melts, like the love struck fool you are. It's different; the way he feels about you compared to his fans; and you are reminded of that in a single second, watching his eyes light up with pure joy at seeing your figure.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Perhaps he'd take you seriously. Perhaps you'll give him that letter. Perhaps he'll fall madly in love with you in return, being so moved by your words, and then you'll instantly become a couple. That sounds disgustingly romantic, yet you do like the idea of it.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

But...

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

You raise your hand, as a gesture of greeting, giving him a wide grin, some of your tears accidentally spilling down your cheeks. "I just came to say hi," you shout across the hallway, squeezing your eyes shut, so you can stop yourself from sobbing.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

It could possibly be your imagination, but the faintest blush crosses his cheeks, as he rubs the back of his head, feigning bashfulness. "Aww, (Y/n)-chan! You're too nice!" he replies. The funny thing is that you can hear him perfectly, even though the chatter of other people echoes around you.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Your bottom lip wobbles painfully, and you give him a mock salute, before turning around, and walking away. You allow your eyes to open, and you begin to cry, in a silent, pained fashion, as you stumble through the corridor, ignoring everyone around you. A bittersweet smile forces its way onto your face, as you realise you've reignited that small hope in you that one day you'll be able to truly tell him what you feel for him.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

But not today.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Maybe... maybe tomorrow.

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I was trying to do with this piece, but it ended up being a lot of angstier than I thought. Oh well ;-; all feedback is greatly appreciated!


End file.
